Grimm's Survival Guide: Clothes

Just a few short tips on apocalyptic fashion - 'cause I know it's what you all are gonna be thinking about when the world is spinning into a flaming mob of zombies:

A dramatic long cloak may look cool, but you may rethink that when you realise the large possibility of a zombie horde dragging you backwards into their grizzly waiting hands. Keep it tough and close. Leather is good. So is Kevlar. Unfortunately Kevlar’s a little harder to come across. So find some good leather or jeans. Sleeves can be either good or bad – claws can become hooked in them, but it might just be what stops you from getting slashed.
I don’t recommend wearing those stilettos you bought yourself for Christmas last year either. Wear some good sturdy, steel-cap boots like Dr Martins or some flexible running shoes. Remember the school kitchen rules. Knives dropped on soft shoes will slice your toes off.
Spent ages cultivating that gorgeous long hair? You should probably ruin all that hard work and cut it off straight away. Short hair means less to grab onto and rip off your scalp. Keep your hair out of your eyes, the zombies aren’t going to wait for you to fix your hair and get your fringe away enough to kill the zombie in front of you or fire your gun.
Long nails and earrings are bad. Both can easily be ripped out in a fight or a scramble for your life. One of the most important rules is to avoid pain. The pain from getting your nails ripped out will be nothing compared to having your intestines ripped out when you couldn’t hold the sword for the pain. So, avoid long nails. If you’re really fussy, when you get a couple of hour’s zombie free time, perhaps you could paint them.
Backpacks are better than shoulder bags. Keep it light and only full of useful stuff; ammunition, food and bandages.

 
I'll try to make more with the funny next week with the chapter 'Keeping your Head...quarters'

Grimm's Apocalypse Guide - Weapons Part I

Weapons:
I hear all the time about the best weapons being chainsaws and machine guns. Both do very good damage and you could probably sever a lot of heads with a decent chainsaw. But what do you do if you run out of fuel? Or what if the chain gets stuck? I suppose you could start hitting the zombies with it, but I can’t imagine a smooth pull from a zombies flesh and tattered clothing. So let’s put the chainsaw to bed. Now let’s talk guns. Keeping a small hand pistol on you might be handy for tight scrapes, but if we’re talking about machine guns – you’ll go through ammunition very quickly. I would save the big guns for when you’ve set up your HQ. Keep on you a big gun and a small gun – use them very sparingly. The difficult thing about guns though is actually getting your hands on them – unless you live in America. The first thing anyone wil think of in a zombie apocalypse is ‘Gunshop’. Now I don’t know about you, but if you want to go up against tens of scared civilians fighting for the one gun, go right ahead. I’d rather wait ‘til Trigger Happy Jack has done his thing and left with the gun. Another thing about guns is that they make big noises. In a world where the undead are attracted to bright colours or loud noises, you might want to rethink letting all the zombies in the near vicinity know exactly where you are – am I right? So remember; use them only when absolutely necessary.
If you have the chance and skill, a school bow and arrow set or better, a crossbow might be good. They’re fairly quiet, and have good range. However the problem again is ammunition. You might want to find ‘Carpenter’.
So we move on to knives and swords. If this was what you were initially thinking, good on you. They are as silent as you want them to be. Most of them will probably pull out nicely. But what kind? If you’ve played video games you’ll be pretty familiar with the term dual wielding, and two handed swords. If you haven’t played video games and you don’t understand from just the words, you’re probably not going to survive the Zompocalypse out of sheer stupidity. You might want to band up with ‘Rocket Scientist’ or ‘Smart Arse’, but you’d probably only be zombie fodder.  
Now you’ll have to find what suits you. ‘Trial and Error’{see Method Systems) is fine, but think about your body shape before plucking out that 20 kilogram double sword. If you are lean, (so fairly thin but strong) you might want to dual wield. Go for something light – a longer sword and a shorter one. If you are fairly broad shouldered and muscled, you can go ahead and try the bigger sword if you think you can handle it. The Japanese samurai had the right idea with their katana – these are also a good idea. So did the Shaolin monks. But remember; if you’re going to have something sharp –keep it sharp and not rusty. Make sure to pick up a sharpener and to keep your weapon clean – it’s your new, best friend, and it sure as hell won’t leave you alone with fifteen zombies. 

To be continued next Thursday xD 

Oh and really sorry for the late post - Got carried away with CampNaNoWriMo aheh... :P 

See ya next week, 

   Grimm

Grimm's Apocalypse Guide: Names

Having a name means you have a past. It means that before the Zompocalypse you had family and friends. The likelihood is that you’re probably not going to have as many as you did before the Zompocalypse if not none at all. This is sad. But if you survive, you can mourn all you want later.  Seriously – think up a name that you can be easily recognised by. If you wear glasses be creative, you have three names right there – Frames, Four-eyes or the less creative Glasses. If you’re buff, be Buff. Get the picture? Even if it doesn’t have anything to do with your looks, choose something easy to remember. That’s why I’m Grimm. Any don’t think of any stupid dramatic names like Fast Shot Undead Slayrrr. How’s that going to look on your memorial stone? Maniacal names are allowed if you really are crazy – Trigger-happy Jack might end up your best friend, but even so, try to avoid actual known names. Even if you name your self after where you used to live or where you were born. Or if you want to be helpful, how about naming yourself after your good zombie slaying characteristics? I would befriend ‘Slasher’, ‘Tactics’ and ‘Medic’ any day. And probably keep them with me afterwards. However, ‘Gucci’ and ‘Good Conversation’ might have to wait. 

This one is starting Camp NaNoWriMo tonight at midnight! it shall be an epic tale of sleepless nights a bunch of coffee and candy - 50000 words in one month wish me luck, or better yet - join me! Search for NANOWRIMO - and make an account, you can find me just look for Devil and friend me! 

See ya, and thanks for reading >3

A Date With Survival; Grimms Zombie Apolcalypse Survival Guide

Welcome to the very first post of my survival guide. Before you begin; this is just my opinion, so don't take offense. This is what I'll be doing in a zombie apocalypse. 

I'm gonna treat you all because you've had patience with me and I'll give you two sections!

SURVIVAL

Get organised before the apocalypse – There’s no use running around not knowing what you’re going to do or where you’re going to go. That’s what everyone did before they were caught and became walking chew toys. The moment you are confused and don’t think about what your next move is – that’s when you’re pretty much dead. Or undead.
But if you’re reading this, then you probably are thinking about surviving anyway – not running around like a rage zombie with its head cut off… well you know what I mean.

 So first things first you will need some sort of bag that you can take with you. I've just gone and bought one of my very own - big enough that it can hold everything I need, but can be tied tight to my body. It is water proof and tough. I'll post a section on what you should have in it next - with a picture of it because I am very proud of it xD

FEAR

Okay, here’s the thing. Most people you talk to about a zombie apocalypse either thinks you’re crazy, or are super confident they’ll survive, saying that they’re not afraid. I’m sorry, but if I had a groaning mass of blood and torn intestines, broken bones and a semi-detached face stumbling towards me – I’d be pretty scared. And that’s a good thing. Fear is like chocolate. Good in small amounts (remember people, if you’re overweight you’ll be among the first to go… sorry). If you’re slightly afraid, you’ll be on your toes. You’ll hear that slight scraping noise coming from the darkness behind you. Someone who is laughing loudly at the zombie they’ve just killed probably won’t. And there goes their collarbone. You see what I mean?

Thanks, 

  Billy Goat Grimm